Wait—hold the phone. You mean J.D. Drew isn't the embodiment of perfect health? Go ****in' figure. Apparently it took a few Red Sox doctors and a couple of x-rays to determine what everyone in L.A., Atlanta, and St. Louis already knew quite well: that J.D. Drew is made of porcelain. The Red Sox reached a 5-year, $70 million deal with the outfielder almost two weeks ago, but as of Tuesday, it still hasn't been finalized. Why? Because a group of doctors in Boston are trying to figure out how a man without any bones has played for eight years in the Major Leagues. While neither the Sox nor Scott Boras have spoken publicly about the details of the hang-up, wow, it makes us so friggin' happy. And more than anyone else, you know that Ned Colletti is pissing his pants with joy.

The only piss, however, that's leaking out of J.D Drew's pants is urine of fear. Same goes for Scott Boras and Boston GM Theo Epstein. Drew's fear: If there's a new clause put into his contract, he might actually have to stay healthy to earn his money. Boras's fear: Drew might actually have to stay healthy to earn his money. Epstein's fear: He's giving $70 million to an invalid. "There's some stuff in the medical reports that the team was not aware of," said Gene Orza, chief operating officer of the Major League Baseball Players Association. Honestly, if the Red Sox were truly surprised at what they found in Drew's medical report, where the hell have they been the last eight years? It's been well chronicled that the guy spends as much time in the trainer's room as he does on the field. Are they that goddamn East Coast-centric that anything that happens outside of Boston and New York doesn't register on their radar? Maybe so, considering that they gave Julio Lugo $36 million.
Not my doing but I love this.