Ken Williams' sanity is hanging by a thread, right beside Brian Cashman's job and Alex Rodriguez's marriage.
With the teams of those three gentlemen converging this week on U.S. Cellular Field in all their faded glory, they might consider getting together for a chat. Maybe share a drink or, more to A-Rod's liking, a lap dance.
Sorry. Forget I mentioned that. Rodriguez should know we're really much nicer about athletes' personal lives here in Chicago.
Maybe the New York Post spent three days running last week trumpeting the "Stray-Rod Scandal," plastering A-Rod and some hot, not-his-wife blonde all over the front page under headlines such as "Road Games" and "Bunny Honey." Maybe the Post's coverage also included the hilarious banner "Yankee Doodle Randy," and maybe Friday's coverage included references to his "busty blond gal pal" who danced at one of his "favorite jiggle joints."
And maybe the coverage expanded Sunday to an analysis of the flight plans of Rodriguez's private jet, noting it flew twice in the last eight months to the home state of the "corn-fed, former Catholic school girl" with whom he was spotted.
But, Rodriguez might recall, when his Mariners were playing the White Sox in the 2000 playoffs, he wore a T-shirt from one of his favorite Chicago jiggle joints (honey huts? D-cup depots? Bump-n-Grindhouses?) to a workout. We only noted his "Crazy Horse Too" apparel as an indication of his potential interest in playing -- baseball, that is -- in Chicago.
Perhaps he should be interested again.
The Yankees are dead in the water. The Sox are almost equally without pulse.
Let's make a deal. I'm thinking A-Rod for Mark Buehrle and Joe Crede.
Southtown copy desk guy Joe Zenkel, whose idea I'm stealing here, said he'd throw in one of the Sox's minor league pitching studs, as well. But I'm not sure I'd go that far.
The Yankees never think they're out of it, and pitching is their current problem.
They'd have to love a rotation of Chien Ming-Wang, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens and Buehrle. And Crede would improve their infield defense and solve their looming third-base problem for next season.
The Sox, in need of a stick, would nonetheless be taking a huge gamble in that they'd have to either re-sign Rodriguez as a free agent in the offseason or convince him not to opt out of the remaining three years of his contract (worth $27 million per year through 2010, but thanks to Texas' deal with the Yankees, the Sox would have to pay only $16 million per).
On the other hand, what have the Sox got to lose? Buehrle is a great pitcher and teammate, but he's also going to test his worth on the free-agent market in the offseason.
Given the way he's throwing the ball, his price will be steep. Given the way Williams has stockpiled young arms, the general manager seems disinclined to pay it.
As for Crede, sure, the Sox could keep him for another year. But what's the point?
He's almost certainly going to bolt for greener bank accounts immediately thereafter, especially considering his agent, Scott Boras, doesn't get along with Sox management.
Trade Crede now and there's a spot for third baseman of the future Josh Fields, who just completed a May in which he hit .312 with seven homers and 25 RBI for Triple-A Charlotte.
Yes, A-Rod is your shortstop, which means in the short term Juan Uribe is your utility infielder. In the long term, you move him.
With Buehrle, Crede and Uribe gone, the former two replaced by youngsters earning the major league minimum, the Sox could easily afford Rodriguez. At the current salaries of everyone involved, the Sox would actually save more than $1 million if they had A-Rod, Fields and, say, Gavin Floyd instead of Buehrle, Crede, and Uribe over a full season.
Fields and whomever Williams slides into the rotation would have the rest of the year to get comfortable in the bigs -- as we hope outfielder Jerry Owens will. All of them would start next season ready to rock.
And who knows? Over the next few months, maybe A-Rod's presence would jump-start the lineup. Maybe he'd fall in love with Chicago. Maybe he'd fall in love with Ozzie Guillen.
Maybe he'd discover the Skybox and Club O in Harvey.